Neon Lights

Neon Lights

Thursday, March 27, 2014


Right now I feel so down, because  I am fighting for my dreams. For other people it might seems like crap but for me is passion. My dad wanting me to be a person with a profession is really killing me. I am just keeping my mouth shut and biting my lips to remind me not to voice how I feel, what I think or my opinion because for them, anything defensive or trying to make them understand is talking back and disrespectful. I feel like just listen to him and just enroll myself to a med-school. And waste five years doing what he wants and get my degree in medic and frame it and hang it at home. And after that leave home to do what I want. Either way, I will face lots of challenge and come out stronger but I really has to taste the depth of hell to be myself and be happy. But for my dad having a highly paid job is essential in life. Anything that leads to a job that earn big bucks. I feel like throwing my life away. I am a coward anyway. For the first time I am actually fighting for my dream and feeling crushed if my dreams are taken away from me. Fear of loosing it and the possibilities of the dream becoming a nightmare is eating me up because nightmares are dreams that go wrong. If I follow my dad's will, I will be living a nightmare for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a doctor. If I would, I will do it for the right reasons such as 'I want to be a doctor because I want to make the world a better place' or 'I want to be a doctor because I want to find a cure for cancer'. The reason my dad's wants me to become a doctor is I think because every Indian family wants a doctor in the family to brag about. (This my bias and prejudice thinking). When I ask them why, they said because it is a respectable job, it earns lots of money and the unemployment rate is low. I need them to understand that I don't need lots of money to be happy. I just want to have a simple life and to the things I love like travelling, learning so skill on making coffee and cocktails or baking and cooking. Lastly to do what I am passionate about that is writing and inspiring people - my dream job. You must do things in great measures to see how far you can go and to live your life the fullest. =,)

Friday, March 21, 2014

New Beginnings

Knowing what I want to do. Never letting go of it. No matter where am I now, no matter where I am going to be, no matter where I will be and no matter where I will end up. Writing and language is something I fell in love with and will fight for it. I might have to put it on hold for a while. But during that time I will still write, inspire myself and people and touch the world with the mysteries and beauty of language. 'Absence makes the heart grows fonder'. This quote usually refers to lovers that are separated for a certain period of time and meets again. Their love will grow stronger because of it. But for my case is between me and my dream to become a writer - that writes anything from songs, poems, articles, quotes and sayings to scripts, storybooks, love stories, fiction and non-fiction. My parents are very traditional and I forgot to tell that they are Asians. Well that makes me an Asian too but that is not my point. My point is, I grew up in the mindset or environment of where education and a job with a profession is very vital and crucial in life. So the top three jobs that my parent hope that I will be is doctor or lawyer or engineer. Period. For them to know that I love writing, travelling and doing charity is gonna make them get a heart attack. Their dream of having a child with a career is gone. When I ask why they insist on the three jobs. They say I will be guaranteed a job in the future and a quite high salary. They never thought of the stress, challenges and pressure that you have to go through for it. I know that everyone or everything you do has its own challenges, stress and pressure but the passion, strength, desire, will and love for what you do will get you through it. Now I still don't know what I will do or what I have to do but one thing for sure right now is till the day I die writing is something I love the most.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


Its gonna be a long one~~~ So prepare yourself readers. There is so many things that is going on through my mind right now. I really don't know where to start and when I start, I don't think I can stop. So, I am going to start by saying goodbye. Saying goodbye and thank you to the 15 years of studying by choice or not by choice. Now finally at the age of 20 years old I am going to start over. 'The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited or erased; it can only be accepted '. No matter the past is good or terrible due to my poor choices, laziness, indecisiveness and lots more that I don't think I should mention because it could take me days. 'Where am I now is not my final destination, it should be where do I go from here'. Firstly, I want to thank myself for being fine after accepting this - failure and learn to move on, make better choices for a better tomorrow and accepting it. For me, I think that you should do what you are most passionate about. Something that you can die for and can't live without. Not comparing yourself to world and being you. I am so thankful to God that he gave me this character, to see the light in the darkest days. I am happy that I failed it because I can say goodbye to it. Thanks you for coming into my life and telling what failure means and what can you learn from it. I am so proud of myself to think back that I woke up that morning to go to school even though I don't want. Taking the exams when I don't even feel like going in to the hall and trying my best to finish this chapter of my life that is unsure, lost, no direction, waste of time and so much more. I am stronger than I thought. I also would like to say goodbye to school uniforms and waking up at 6 am to go to school. All the sweet memories and adolescence (hormones and craziness) that I cant never get back and can only be missed. All the good teachers that are like 'sifu' of life. If I never go through all this, I would have never met all of you. Their stories about how they met their wife, their experiences about life, their care, advice and all the jokes that they made to make us laugh to make us remember better or when we are bored in class. Sports day and sport practice that we end up talking in the middle of the field instead of doing exercises and sports. A lot of people say that the time where you will miss in life is when you are at school. This is the end of my journey, I crossed the finish line but I got last and I am proud to say I failed. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Acceptance & Forgiveness

I need to accept this and forgive myself. I already have the feeling that this is gonna effect me in some way. 'To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe'. - Anatole France. I want to act but I can't believe myself, I have a dream but I don't have a plan. 'Become a 'possibilitarian'. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities. - Peale'. Anything can happen in this world. From me being dead right now to living up to 80 years old with endless possibilities that could go so right and so wrong. I need to accept and forgive myself for everything that is good and especially the bad. Why? So that I can move on and not letting my past haunt me in every way, decision and choice. Even as simple and being happy or sad. I need to be sad and scared right now because of my terrible disease of laziness that caused me to fail. But I am able to be calm and smiling in the dark or in the storm. I have made bad decisions in life that lead me to who I today but it doesn't mean I can't have a better tomorrow. I have faith, even though honestly my faith is only as big as a mustard seed but I will not know where it will get me, but hopefully to where I am meant to be. I have to face all the disappointments, anger, disbelief, criticism, sadness and much more due to my choice and decision. Not trying my best for it. The storm is made by me or meant for me in order to strengthen me? I am writing what I am feeling right now. Hopefully in 10 years when I read this post again, I will be able to get answers. Why did it happen? If this the outcome, why God did not stop me? All I can say right now is sometimes God's blessing comes in strange packages.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Destination VS Journey

I believe that everyone has a goal to achieve or a destination to arrive in life or maybe to reach a certain stability in the future. But in order to see that, you must follow or carve or create or grasp (in any way you can think of) to reach there. Means that your goal is set. No matter how hard or easy the journey gets you will and you must reach your destination - in other words your goal. For example if you want to be rich, you will do everything to make your money grow such as investments, business or maybe the skill that you have. Some people expect that they reach the goal by 30 years old. Becoming successful or famous need a lot of time and effort. Some people has short cuts and some people has to take a u-turn or the longest road compared to all roads that has ever existed in this world. I am sure everyone wants the fastest way to reach you goal or the stability of life. I myself wants that, but life doesn't works that way. In a way I just need to know what my journey is all about. Because I know that there is an equal chance for me to change my mind if things gets easy or if things gets difficult to the extent that I might betray myself. I feel that right now I need to face all the sadness, disappointment, broken promises, the past, failures, fear, stupidity, bad choices, mistakes and so much more. I need to know the taste of hitting rock bottom and being there and how society and the world treats you when you are trying to pick up those pieces and putting them back together with a slime on your face and with an optimistic and positive attitude. In that way, when I climb, drag, crawl or walk my way up regardless of time and effort. I will not be afraid of all the negativeness and fear I have to face because I have been there. Who doesn't want to have a life without worries, failures and disappointment? I feel that why do people struggle so much is because the they don't want to accept 'what is' and kept thinking of 'what if'. Since I am already here, why don't I just accept what is and learn from and see where do I go from here. You could be living life so well that nothing is wrong with it, but if something goes wrong. Can you be able to face it? I feel like an alien, or a retarded person because I always wants to go against the current - mindset. I always think the good things first before the bad, the happy before the sad, smiling before crying and hope before despair. Will I be able to prove all of them wrong? To live a peaceful, happy, joyful life with hope, faith and charity. Wish my readers a very good luck in achieving the beautiful life that they want. =') 

Thursday, March 13, 2014


There is a lot of possibilities to life about what you want. You have to know what you really want. Something that you would put your whole heart into. You will have to take failure out of your life. Not that it will never be in your life but you are giving your full effort to prevent that from happening. Thinking that your world would fall apart when something you really want did not work out. Something that I would sacrifice everything for. Your dream must be bigger than failures and fear. No matter what your dream is. For your family, for you to be happy, for the one's you love and for yourself. You need to find the strength, the power, to courage to do so. In any other situation or under any circumstances, you are able to do it. Trying your best on it and giving it your all. Evolve from the vicious cycle of life because you can't run away from it, you'll have to face it and grow to become wiser. When you make a decision, you can't know whether the decision is correct or not. If I messed up, will there be another chance or it will be the best decision you have ever made. I can't really trust myself. How am I able to be what I wan to be? Put your most effort into everything. Leave the rest to someone higher. There are phases in life that you must go through no matter what. So instead of being afraid or avoiding it, why don't you face it? Everyone is living in the same hell, just fighting with different devil. The devil that is inside you - inner voice, is much more scarier than the devil outside - temptation of the world and society. How am I gonna get through this? I seriously don't know. This is a chance to start over, don't waste it or mess it up or destroy it. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Lights Camera Action

Live your life like a drama or like a book. The one that living the present - the moment. Embracing the time that is passing by that will never come back - just like the wind or the water. Not knowing the future at all - it might go as plan or not according to plan at all. I can't tell I am failing or a failure or going to fail. I am not even sure where am I standing. Comparing yourself to others is the worst thing you can do to yourself - no matter you are the most smart or intelligent person in the whole wide world or universe or the most stupid useless idiot that have ever lived in this century. The one that matters is trying your best. I recently realized that I have not been trying my best in my education and being a family person. I had tried my best in seeing the worst things positively and taking things positively. Also, living my life the fullest as I can in my own circumstances and always hoping for amazing, happy, incredible, unexpected things to happen in my life everyday. Taking sad incident as a test and to make me a better and stronger person. In education, I really don't know where I stand. Did I or didn't I tried my best? It's been like two weeks that I have been over thinking. Can I do it? Yes I can. I feel like I am living in a prison with all the society's thinking. I am an idiot in that case, for caring what they say and letting them get to me for no valid reason. One thing I realize is that no matter what you do, people would always have something to say. Then I realized that miracles don't happen people who wait doing nothing while waiting but to those who wait and doing something with all they have. Going all out, giving every effort on that one thing, work hard every single day on it. A portion of your life is spent on it. The sacrifices that you have made is unimaginable. No matter what happens fill every page of a book with happiness, tears, regrets, experience, love, hate, confusion, mystery and lots more that I lazy to mention. No matter rain or shine, you are i the woods or the countryside. Capture those priceless, boring, normal, extraordinary, typical, simple moment and too lazy to mention all. Then in 20 years, you will see how beautiful you had lived your life. For my readers, start today at this second, at this moment to remember and cherish your life. =)

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Memory Of A Day In May (五月天)

Recently, I have started to like a Taiwanese band that has been singing for a long time but I have never notice them. The band is called Mayday or 五月天. Their lyrics are really touching and meaningful. For a person like me that is not a Chinese educated person - I can speak only, can't read or write (only simple ones). I think if I continue liking them, my English will improve tremendously. It really shows me that true talent doesn't need a perfect figure or a handsome face - you just need a heart the feels. If you listen to their songs, it is really amazing in fact how they can deliver all the emotions in a song where billions of people can relate. Most of the songs that I like are love songs. These are the few songs that I like and are currently addicted to. The first song is  你不是真正的快乐 or You are not really sincerely happy. The first time I heard the song, it brought me to tears. Tears was practically just kept on flowing and I just realized that night - that moment I was not really happy. Then I also stared to realize why sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night. Caring to much what other people think, blinded by fear and lack or zero confidence. Thinking back, I have become better now, loving myself more, trying harder to forgive, love everyone without fear of getting hurt. I still struggle and face challenges but overall I am really happy now, not a lie to avoid all the explanation but just simply really happy without any condition. The second song is  我不愿让你一个人 or I am not willing to leave you alone. This songs makes me feel 幸福 or happy. Because I really hope to find a love that is simple not asking much, just don't let me be alone. When I am walking whether its rains or shine, just hold my hand.

And last but not least, the third song is 突然好想你 or Suddenly I really miss you. The sense of longing for a person - family, friend or lover. Especially if that person leaves a sweet or nostalgic memory. It could be a simple one like having a simple meal together in the morning of the first day of Chinese New Year - where all the family members you haven't seen for a year is there or a simple gesture from a lover that makes you suddenly miss him - where on a rainy day he gives you his umbrella and getting himself wet because of that or kind words or caring from a friend that makes you miss her. Recalling all that memory suddenly in any day of any time. 
These are the top three songs that really affected me in a way that - heartstrings get pulled or strummed.  

Monday, March 3, 2014

49 Days

What will you do when you still have 49 days to live? I would probably wrap things up and tell how much I love my family and my friends and also forgive all those who has hurt me before. There is still things that I want to do when I am still alive. That is do things that I always wanted to do, learn things that I want to learn. After reading the recaps on '49 Days' its kinda sad but true that certain things has been destined. A couple that has been destined to be separated during life and even after death. Wishing the best for the one he loves dearly is the only thing he can do. In the process of grieving a proper goodbye seems to be a good start. Stating that he will remember to say goodbye this time before he leaves for the girl to have a proper closer and to have the strength and courage to move on no matter how much he loves her. Another girl that has been loving the wrong person and ends up finding the right one in that 49 days. But keeps on pretending that she doesn't love him because it will be easier for him to move on after she dies. The ending was real and nothing like cheesy or nonsense. It was real. It was acceptable but unbearable. I think all the viewers could relate to it deeply. Life isn't always beautiful and has a happy ending. Maybe thousands of people are living their live without any purpose and regretting every single day with 'what ifs' and 'what could'. All you can do is hope for the best and live happily because that is really what your love one wants if they had to leave you. It is as hard and as painful for the person to leave and for the person that was left behind. I was crying while I was reading the recap. I don't think I can bear watching it. Even when writing this post my tears are welling up. And now my laptop is salty.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


You know what, I am just gonna be me. I am going to live the present. Seriously, my life has just started and I am feeling that a death sentence has been given to me for not living my life that well. One step at a time. Maybe not to where I want to be but to where I should be and where I belong. Now I am gonna start loving myself first, then my family and friends, then strangers and lastly my enemy. Starting by fixing family ties. Improving self attitude. Cleaning my room when its messy, sweeping the floor when its dusty, eating healthy and exercise regularly. Have fun, be happy, grateful of what you have and lots of other simple things in life. Not thinking of the extremes that might happen, would happen or never happen. Just anticipate what happens. When you are happy enjoy it, when you are sad cry it out, when you are stress release it. Don't over-think stuff like 'I am gonna be miserable for the rest of my life' or 'I am gonna have a sad and pathetic life. You haven't even live it yet and you are talking nonsense. Its like gonna be a diary for me now. Being myself. Exactly myself. That is it for today. Thank you for reading. Whoever you are or from wherever you are. Have a nice life. =) 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Present

The word word present has two meaning. One is a gift and another one is here and now. I want to start living the present because is the best present I can give myself. Living the moment. All the plans, it will never work. So, if I wan to do something I will do it here and now. Life is roller coaster, it has ups and downs, you will smile and cry too but the most importantly enjoy the ride. Being present in the moment - feeling right here and right now is calm. Because I live in the society - I believe the whole world does too, where people let their past haunt them in the present and future rather than let their past mistake becomes their teacher, not only mistake good decisions and choices too. They are always - I am too always anxious about the future that might never come because you spent most of your time in the present worrying on the things that might never happen. You can only deal with problems when they come not when they are inside your head telling you 'what if'. I am a person that only can learn from my own mistakes - I think so. I am a very stubborn and persistent. I don't know what I really want. Life its how you live but sometimes it also has his own ways. I am not afraid of failing because you can always get back up, what I am most afraid is not being able or not wanting to get up. I always like the quote 'When you fail ten times, its okay but get up eleven times'. Being frustrated and being sad over things that did not go right doesn't help you in any way - is being frustrated is gonna make the past change or make the future better?. No. Its just taking away your time in the present that should be filled with love, happiness and peace. Life actually has no explanation because is a mystery - like a mystery box. For everyone that opens it has different things inside. Different battles to fight, different pain endurance, different environment and so on with all the things in life that are different. How many times you actually look up the sky and was mesmerized by its beauty. How about sunrise an sunset? How about the moon? These are all the gifts to humankind that we take for-granted. Learn to appreciate small things, when the big things comes you will be overwhelmed and appreciate it even more. One's had said before and it is sad but true 'Easier said than done'.    

No Value

Life is hard and nothing lasts forever. I want to die so much. But so many people are suffering more than I do, are in situations that are worse than me but they are able to live life and always hope for the best and live the best that they can no matter what. Why do I feel worse than the children that are from Africa that are suffering from civil wars that are not even their business but they have to suffer the consequences of other people's decision and stupidity? I am not trying my best to live - I claim i did. But looking back all I did was complaint and grumble. I can be better than I am now if I learn how to sacrifice certain things, be disciplined and to let go. Finally, learn also how to let go. Your life may be sweet as others but it also may be as bitter as others too. They have better endurance and mental strength. I who lived in a box for twenty years flooded with curiosity and fighting with my own inner devil that was there. Everyone is living in the same hell, its just that all of us are fighting different devils. I think I kinda just gave up on certain things and its hard to let go. Hitting rock bottom wasn't the best thing in life. Having a terrible attitude doesn't help either. Its like your heart trying to pick itself up and glue it back together but before you could do so, somebody just decided to crush it again - this time in to smaller pieces and harder to pick up and harder to glue - this repeats until it actually becomes dust. Following the direction of the wind if it is blown, flowing down with clear waters if it is thrown inside the water or it decides to dirty the ground and get swept away. I am a mess right now - in the inside. I don't care much about the world because it is already so corrupted and sick. But for me to be corrupted and sick inside. I will be in daze and in my own paranoid scary world not matter how peaceful and beautiful the outside is. Just like staring at a blank wall for hours fighting with the devil that has grown so big that you can chase it out of you. It will make you forget reality, doubt people, the worse is always gonna happen, nothing will ever change, you will always fail, you are a waste, nonsense, impossible, useless and disgusting.
You are fighting your own battle, being fearful to the things or problem that is not even there in the first place. Live will get better or life will get worse, nobody knows or maybe even before things get better or worse, your life probably has ended with nothing - like dust. 


I don't really know what I going to write today but I am just gonna get everything out of my head about today. What is the exact definition of having a successful life??? If you asked me I honestly don't know. Had tea time with my to close friends that really cared about me. Lots of things is going on in my mind and I don't even know where am I anymore - its like getting lost in a place full of confusion where and the really bad things and really good things has an equal chance of happening. Where occasions that happens by mistake or carelessness become a matter of life and death. We will start with all the questions that are floating in my head - some of it doesn't even make sense so just ignore it (I might be even closer to being insane). What am I doing right now??? Where am I gonna be in ten years??? The thing I feared most which is regret, will it hunt me for life just because I made so crazy decision??? Will I die young??? All the things that I want to do, can it all be done??? Will I end up being useless for not knowing how bad thing are??? (But things are always as bad as they seem, and it will get better) By doing stuff that I don't like, will it be come the things I like??? Will I be jobless like in ten years??? Things are unpredictable. Things are impossible. You kinda have to learn to cope with hardships and sadness and failure. Learn to appreciate things that are precious like love, kindness, care, comfort and so on. Live everyday like your last. Want to do something, do it now. Don't be afraid of failures and anticipate in life because its beautiful. Look forward for tomorrow because it might never come. Did I ever do things for me??? Days are long, but the years are short. Everyday is a challenge and years will fly. No matter the things that you do are for other or for you. One thing for sure the consequences are on you no matter good or bad. You might end up mopping the floor as a job or making billions of dollars. People can only be happy for you or be sad for you. People are very judgmental and it is scary. Now I don't even know that the attitude I am having is gonna bring me to destruction or construction.